Coping with Break-ups

Unfortunate it may be, not all relationships are destined to last forever. Independent of one's will, couples go their separate ways. Generally, one party will be hurt deeper than the other. I ain't even gonna bother going thru' the reasons for the above-mentioned. However, after all is said and done, humans have different ways of coping. I've divided them into stages... coz from what I notice, people go thru' all these in a certain chronological order.

[Disclaimer: I ain't insisting that everyone goes thru' the same phases. Am just writing this based on observation & personal experience & I decided to classify everything so that it looks "neater". Also, there are times when the stages are not 'obvious' - it is also possible for someone to be in both stages @ the same point of time. And yes, I am generalising.]

:: STAGE ONE ::

Denial - when one party refuses to believe that the relationship is over, and still harbours thoughts of getting back together with the other party. This is when a person wishes to still "stay friends" despite the break-up & continue doing things the couple used to do... only this time, without the 'status' (ie. constant SMSes, phonecalls, going out like nothing's happened... etc.). Generally, the person still clings on to the hope that the break-up was just a bad dream, and that he/she will wake up from it.

My point of view? Face it. The relationship is O-V-E-R. Things won't be the way they used to be. It is just human nature for one party to start avoiding another - to put a distance between the ex-couple during the healing process. Furthermore, in many circumstances, there will be negative feelings involved. Time is needed for the negative feelings to dwindle. I ain't saying that friendship is impossible. What I'm saying that - it is possible, but not at that point of time. Perhaps some years down the road... the ex-couple will get over the hurt, put things behind them and develop a friendship based on the qualities that drew them together in the 1st place. *shrugx* who knows?

:: STAGE TWO ::

Depression - This normally happens after the denial stage - when the person clinging on finally realises that there's no hope of things going back to the way they used to be & gives up trying. The person will start feeling depressed. Usually, it'll mean crying alot. This is when a person is really vulnerable - even normal everyday things may trigger a flood of tears. Thoughts of suicide, low self esteem + self-destructive actions... are common.

At this point of time, some folks resort to:

Binging - be it on alcohol, food... or whatever. This is one really common scenario. People getting piss-drunk day in and out after a breakup, turning to alcohol to numb the pain; people resorting to deriving respite from food.

My point of view? Hmm... dunno about food, but alcohol does work - only for the moment though. Getting pissed drunk, then falling asleep, forgetting everything for a while. The only problem is, itz twice as shitty the next morning - coz when the effects of the booze clear up, the emotions return & this time, you have a hangover on top of it. Now deal with that!

Or:

Burying - mostly oftenly, in work... and occasionally other activities (ie. exercise). The person just works himself/herself to exhaustion, hoping that by doing so, the emotions will be buried deep within & not surface.

My point of view? Another manifestation of self-denial. And should you resort to this, pray that you have sufficient willpower... coz if ur will caves in, good luck, coz you'll end up feeling both mentally & physically drained.

Or:

Substitution - there are 2 kinds of substitution I can think of.

One better known as rebound relationships. When the afflicted person seeks out another to fill the void the original partner left when he/she departed. Usually, the substitute will be a person who resembles the original in some form - either character-wise or appearance-wise. In most cases, it'll be someone who is easily accessible as well.

The other will be having flings - relationshps that are w/o emotional commitment. This is when the afflicted person actively seeks another, usually for physical stuff, in order to repair the damaged self-esteem.

Generally females are more prone to having the former, and males the latter.

My point of view? Fucked up (even though there are certain rare circumstances that rebound relationships do work out in the end). No one deserves to be used as a substitute. Just coz you are hurting doesn't mean you gotta go out there to hurt someone else - especially someone else who is innocent.

:: STAGE THREE ::

Anger - When anger becomes the main emotion. Depression normally comes along with a hint of anger... but this is when anger becomes really evident. A person will feel strongly that the other has did him/her wrong. This is when you start to hate your ex. You will start realising that you deserve better, and that it ain't totally your fault that the r/s didn't work out. Self-esteem starts to improve & tears don't come that often anymore. Old photographs are torn up, some items discarded... etc.

Common actions include:

Ranting - to anyone who is around to listen. About all the negative aspects of the ex, about how oneself has been let down... etc.

My point of view? Good. It certainly beats putting yourself down. Just don't take it too far.

Revenge Dating - hurt others the way you have been hurt. Finding no constructive way to release all that anger, you go all out to date others who may have a soft spot for you. Charming them, getting what you want, then dumping them... just to see them bleed.

My point of view? People who do this should really go to Hell. Coz they are no better than those who murder innocent children outta some sadistic desire. Note: Revenge dating is different from substitution. Substitution is normally done subconciously, w/o much thought. Revenge dating is done with a purpose.

Pure Revenge - on the ex. When the afflicted person attempts to ruin the ex's life the way his/hers have been "ruined" due to the break-up. There are many different ways to do this - stalking... physically hurting the ex... etc.

My point of view? This gets you no where coz revenge only begets further vengeance. Plus you might end up behind bars.

:: STAGE FOUR ::

Healing - when the pain starts to fade... and when a person finally starts to "let go" of everything. This is when you are able to talk about your past r/s without feeling any extreme emotions, except a soft sense of melancholy. This is when you can look back on the good times you shared as a couple & be glad that it ever took place. This is when you start to realise that perhaps things were just not meant to be - that Fate never decreed for you to be together. You no longer hate your ex. This is when you can finally move on with your life. This is also when the ex-couple can finally become friends.

My point of view? It's difficult to reach this stage. At times, complete healing is impossible. One thing for sure though, you'll never be the same person you were before... coz no matter how much your wounds have healed, the scars will still remain. *shrugx* I guess, if you have reached this stage, only then you are ready for a new r/s.